I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
you told grandpa to call you daddy
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I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize