Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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