i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
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Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
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He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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