You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
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Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
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Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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