I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
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Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
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I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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