in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your topless pictures make me question reality
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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