coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
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ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
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New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
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