Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
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