If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
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Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
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I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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