I think I won the penis lottery.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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