You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
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But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
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Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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