then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
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Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
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I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize