They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
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So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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