I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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