I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
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after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
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When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
You don't make any sense
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I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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