sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
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Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
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We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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