and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
time to smoke my breakfast
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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