Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
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he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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