the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
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The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
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She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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