now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize