you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
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He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
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I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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