The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
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I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
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Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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