There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
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I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
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Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
where are my eyebrows?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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