Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
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Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
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Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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