I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
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Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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