He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
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I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
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Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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