I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
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I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
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Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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