low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize