I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
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