I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
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My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
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I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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