where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
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I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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