I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
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i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
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You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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