I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
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That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
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