If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
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Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
What a dumb baby whore.
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I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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