also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
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so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
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He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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