I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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