Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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