sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
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I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
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I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
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