Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize