things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
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To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
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The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
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