Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
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