You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
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I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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