My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
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She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
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The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
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