i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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