I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Randomize