i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
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organizing the empties. That sober.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
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So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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