I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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