God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
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He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
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SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
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