i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
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He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
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If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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