i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
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